Okay, apparently there’s been some hoopla flying about the holonet about the destruction of the Death Star being an “inside job”.  It was first brought to my attention by Marv over at ChuckChat.com, and I posted my rebuttal there.  Then someone brought it up on the ADPoV forums, and I directed those folks to ChuckChat as well.  Now I’m getting emails about it, so I guess I’d better address this load of Bantha Crap here as well so everyone not only knows that I’m on the case, but that it’s open and shut. 

First off, if you haven’t read this farce, go HERE and do so real quick.  It’s alright.  We’ll wait.

Back?  Okay, here we go.  And since this is my own home turf, you will get the extended version of my answers.  Think of it as a “Special Edition” if you will.  The questions asked are in Italics, while my answers are BOLD, because the truth often is.

1) Why were a handful of rebel fighters able to penetrate the defenses of a battle station that had the capability of destroying an entire planet and the defenses to ward off several fleets of battle ships?

This (and most other answers) was covered in detail.  The Station was designed to fight off captial sized vessels, NOT snub fighters.  Stupid design flaw, yes, we know that now.

2) Why did Grand Moff Tarkin refuse to deploy the station’s large fleet of TIE Fighters until it was too late? Was he acting on orders from somebody to not shoot down the rebel attack force? If so, who, and why?

Since when did Tarken refuse to launch the fighters?  The only thing he refused to do was “leave in (his) moment of triumph”, which cost him his life.

3) Why was the rebel pilot who supposedly destroyed the Death Star reported to be on the Death Star days, maybe hours, prior to its destruction? Why was he allowed to escape, and why were several individuals dressed in Stormtrooper uniforms seen helping him?

Reports have always shown that Luke Skywalker, the pilot in question, was believed to be part of the crew of a ship that “blasted it’s way out of Mos Eisley”, and was wanted by the Empire for questioning concerning the location of stolen Imperial property.  As for the Uniforms, security holos have shown that he and Captain Han Solo: traitor, drug smuggler and complete bastard, were the ones in said stolen armor.

4) Why has there not been an investigation into allegations that Darth Vader, the second-ranking member of the Imperial Government, is in fact the father of the pilot who allegedly destroyed the Death Star?

Nobody, including Darth Vader, knew that Luke Skywalker was Vader’s son. He was still under the impression the time of the Battle of Yavin that his wife Padme had died, and the unborn with her. It was not until much later, around three years or so, that he began to make the realization that his son was indeed still alive.

5) Why did Lord Vader decide to break all protocols and personally pilot a lightly armored TIE Fighter? Conveniently, this placed Lord Vader outside of the Death Star when it was destroyed, where he was also conveniently able to escape from a large-sized rebel fleet that had just routed the Imperial forces. Why would Lord Vader, one of the highest ranking members of the Imperial Government, suddenly decide to fly away from the Death Star in the middle of a battle? Did he know something that the rest of the Imperial Navy didn’t?

Before he was anthing else, Lord Vader was a pilot, kids.  He knew the way to thwart this attack, so he acted upon it, and being a true leader, he did just that.  He led, and he was lucky that Han Solo was apparently jazzed up on spice to have missed such an easy shot at his much larger TIE Advanced X-1 model fighter.  That’s for another discussion though.

6) How could any pilot shoot a missile into a 2 meter-wide exhaust port, let alone a pilot with no formal training, whose only claim to fame was his ability to “bullseye womprats” on Tatooine? This shot, according to one pilot, would be “impossible, even for a computer.” Yet, according to additional evidence, the pilot who allegedly fired the missile turned off his targeting computer when he was supposedly firing the shot that destroyed the Death Star. Why have these discrepancies never been investigated, let alone explained?

First off, there’s this little thing in the galaxy called the FORCE.  Maybe you’ve heard of it.  Me? I’ve seen the boss use it first hand, and when you see a Rebel bent backwards in half without being physically touched… You believe, trust me.
Secondly, how do you know we didn’t investigate?  And who the Hell are you that WE, the bloody EMPIRE, need to explain ourselves to you??

7) Why has their been no investigation into evidence that the droids who provided the rebels with the Death Star plans were once owned by none other than Lord Vader himself, and were found, conveniently, by the pilot who destroyed the Death Star, and who is also believed to be Lord Vader’s son? Evidence also shows that the droids were brought to one Ben Kenobi, who, records indicate, was Darth Vader’s teacher many years earlier! Are all these personal connections between the conspirators and a key figure in the Imperial government supposed to be coincidences?

This can be likened to my being able to recognize a fekkin’ toaster I might have owned 20 years ago. I can’t believe I need to say this again, but I will, since obviously not everyone is smart enough to listen to all of my collected wisdom yet.  Droids are NOT people. They are NOT unique snowflakes in any way, shape or form. They are chunks of metal and circutry that are cranked out on an assembly line by the thousands. And yes… I know that Anakin Skywalker built 3po…Out of SPARE PARTS his mother got him from Watto’s shop. (and I do NOT want to know how she paid for them… ewwww) 

8.) How could a single missile destroy a battle station the size of a moon? No records, anywhere, show that any battle station or capital ship has ever been destroyed by a single missile. Furthermore, analysis of the tape of the last moments of the Death Star show numerous small explosions along its surface, prior to it exploding completely! Why does all evidence indicate that strategically placed explosives, not a single missile, is what destroyed the Death Star?

First off, it was a torpedo, not a missle.  Also, the Death Star wasn’t destroyed by the torpedo anyhow.  It was the chain reaction of smaller explosions that eventually caused the station’s Main Reactor to go nova, vaporizing the entire installation.  And what evidence are you refering to that points to placed explosives?  I seriously doubt such evidence exists.

And there you have it.  As usual, I have proven the Empire free from any wrong doing once again.  You have uncomfortable questions?  Well I’ve got the answers.