We here in the Empire are all about our citizens (YOU) living in security and peace, and that includes even our littlest subjects. No, not Jawas, but children.  The children of the Empire are our future, and if there’s one thing a Trooper on patrol can’t bear to see, it’s a crying child, so the masterminds at the Imperial Test and Evaluation Department have come up with this little beauty.

Hitaro Wavingsky, Officer in charge of developing the trauma device said, “This new device will give our troopers the abilty to instantly sooth a traumatized child from a maximum distance of 100m, and reloads in a matter of seconds, for multiple targets.” He was also quoted as stating that a high capacity drum system is being developed for groups of children, 10 or more.

The Trooper aims specifically for the face, since that way, there’s no legitimate reason a child doesn’t see it coming, and therefore, injuries should be minimalized.  And if the kid gets blasted in the face by a stuffed animal moving at high velocity, it’s thier own damned fault for not paying attention.

I’m from the Empire.

I’m here to help.

The real story, which is just as fekkin’ odd